**WARNING: Irony ahead!**

Using the same standards that skeptics apply to the Bible, I have concluded that Canadian singer Bryan Adams is a cannibal. There is no other plausible answer to the dilemma skeptics’ standards.

This shocking truth dawned on me today when I was at work, and I heard the song “Have You Ever Loved a Woman.” Here is a snippet from the foul, disgusting lyrics:

To really love a woman,
Let her hold you,
Till you know how she needs to be touched.
You’ve got to breathe her, really taste her,
Till you can feel her in your blood.
And when you see your unborn children in her eyes …
You know you really love a woman.

Notice the boldfaced portions–ignore the rest of the context. The only way to truly understand something is to isolate it from its context and read it hyper-literally with no regard to accepted literary devices. Doing that, there is only one way to understand “tast[ing] her” and “feeling her in blood”–Mr. Adams must be referring to eating her.

Since this line appears in a romantic love song, one can only conclude that Mr. Adams finds this practice loving and romantic. Therefore, the only way that a man can show love to a woman–in Mr. Adams’s sick and twisted world–is to eat her.

Some people will argue that Mr. Adams is speaking metaphorically.  But I see no reason to conclude that.  And even if he is, he is still hinting at cannibalism, which is disgusting any way you slice it.

Some may further object that I’ve used circular reasoning.  First, I ignore context, then I place the snippet into its broad context.  But that doesn’t matter much, either.  This is the same way that skeptics read the Bible, so it must be correct.  Just look at the disgusting John 6–this verse also talks about the same wretched practice of cannibalism.

It is only fair.  If you apply one standard to the Bible, you should be able to apply it to everything.  So the conclusion is absolutely inescapable: Bryan Adams is a cannibal.  We must organize a boycott of his music immediately until he renounces this horrid practice.