Open Footballism
I have been studying the movements that gain a lot of ground in Christianity these days, and most of these contain aberrant or erroneous theology. Take this, for example. So I have decided to attract more people to my ministry, that I am going to need invent and teach a complete heresy.
While watching this year’s Superbowl, I was struck with the perfect heresy for me to perpetuate. As the book of Ecclesiastes declares, rather than start fresh I will combine my own favorite heresies: papal infallibility, open theism, KJV Onlyism, and Latter Rain theology. In five-fold fashion, I will therefore declare myself the first apostle, called by the will of Jesus Christ, to lay the foundation of Open Footballism.
Open Footballism is the belief that God divinely inspired the original writers of the NFL rulebook to create His game of choice from the foundation of the world: football. Even though the college rules came first, the later NFL rules are the only truly divinely inspired version of the game’s rules, and anyone who follows college rules or teaches that those are better are part of the Alexandrian Cult. College rules are corrupted by Satan’s minions, along with the NIV, the NASB, and NASCAR.
To make the game more exciting, God, in His divine providence, has chosen to not know the outcome or progression of the game prior to it being played. From this, it also flows that He chose not to know any player trades, head coach hirings/firings, front office moves, or why the Lions suck so badly. Football is truly the domain of human free will and choice, and God only watches it for His enjoyment. And He routes for (dramatic pause) da Bears! (Everyone raise your beer mugs and repeat: “DA BEARS!”)
But in order that football rules are properly interpreted, God has chosen that those officials with the white hats, the Referees, will possess Referee Infallibility during the game. By the guidence and protection of the Holy Spirit, the Referee is unable to teach error regarding faith and … sorry! … fumbles and pass interference calls. And any other such rule interpretation that may be called for by a coach’s challenge.
I will, of course, begin missionary journeys to Corinth, Phillippi, Thessolonica, and other such locales to set up churches and teach Open Footballism using my new status as apostle. I will continue to pray for words from Jesus to expound on the doctrine already contained within this blog entry.
Scriptural support for this is pending.
